My grandmother passed away today. Fucking lame.
I took off work on Friday to go visit her. I sat next to her for 45 minutes holding her hand and talking to her about her dog, our dogs, how I wanted her to meet Kate, and how we all couldn't wait for her to get better and get home. She kept asking me for a Pepsi, and it made me smile because I could just picture her rocking some Suicidal Tendencies. She cried a little bit, but she couldn't produce any tears, or any sound since her vocal chords were shot because of her respirator tube being in for so long. this made me cry. I don't remember the last time I cried in front of anybody in my family, let alone one of them crying in front of me (with the exception of the situation we've all been in for the past 6 weeks).
When I got up to leave, she pulled my hand to her mouth and gave it a kiss and told me she loved me. I kissed her hand, told her I loved her(which has never been done that I can ever remember), told her to get some rest, and promised to visit her the following day with Kate so they could meet.
Saturday rolled around and we went out and saw her. She was a bit restless, which was caused by the medicine she was on to fight an infection she had. I introduced her to Kate, they held hands for a bit. My grandma did her little "flirty arm thing" that she does whenever someone in the family talks about a boyfriend or girlfriend. I asked her if she was ready to see Max (her dog) and she got the biggest smile. I looked at Kate and she just smiled. I held her hand the and rubbed it the entire time I was there. After about 15 minutes, she was out cold. Her medicine had kicked in and now she was off to sleep.
Here it is Tuesday and I have had the worst day. Coming home and getting this news didn't exactly make it any better. I'm taking the rest of the week off from work. I'm going to be spending a lot of time at my grandparent's house this week.
I can't cry. I don't think it's quite settled in yet. I'm sure it'll hit me later like a ton of bricks.
Now it's off to watch Porky's.......it was one of her favorite movies.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Friday, December 05, 2008
My day off......
I decided to take the day off today to take the time to go visit my grandma. Since I last saw her, she was on a respirator, and the doctors and nurses had all said that there wasn't much they could do for her. Well, today, as I was sitting there, she was able to "talk" to me, and I say that because she hasn't talked in 6 weeks, and has had a breathing tube in her throat which has affected her vocal chords. Anyways.....I had just missed my grandpa by about 20 minutes, and according to the nurse on hand, she slept through his whole visit and had just woken up when I walked in. I pulled up a chair and she put her hand up. I held her hand, and she repositioned herself in her bed to be a bit closer to me. Bad thing is, her hands are in restraints to keep her from pulling her trach-tube, or anything else for that matter, out.
As I'm sitting there holding my grandma's hand, I tell her that I know she hates hospitals, doctors, nurses, medicine, and all that jazz, but she has to understand that these are the things that are making her better and will eventually lead to her coming home. I asked her to squeeze my hand if she understood.....she did. When she "talked" it was really raspy, like having an extremely dry throat in the middle of a snowstorm with blustery winds. I do know she asked me for a Pepsi. I told her that was out of the question, to which she mustered up a "Why?". I told her she could have all the Pepsi she wanted when she got home.
Throughout my visit, she cried off and on, which of course made me cry. My family isn't one of those "I love you" familys. We don't hug, we don't say I love you, we just kind of get along. So, seeing my grandma cry and sitting there holding her hand was realllllllly tough.
I asked her if she missed her dog Max, she looked at me, squeezed my hand and said yes. I told her about our new puppy Barley and asked her if she wanted to see a picture. She said yes, so I showed her my cell phone. Her eyes got a little bigger, and I think she tried to smile. After I put my phone away, she said "Dog", so I asked her if she wanted to see him again, and she did, so I obliged. I told her about Kate. I told her that I wanted her to meet Kate. I told her that the hardest part of her being in the hospital was me being scared that she wasn't going to make it, and not be able to see me get married. She started crying again, and I followed suit.
After being there about 30 minutes, through all the crying, and the overall hardness of seeing her like that, I told her I needed to get going, but I promised to come back with Kate so she could finally meet her. Still holding my hand, she lifted it and put her lips on it to give me a kiss goodbye. I gave her a kiss on the hand and told her I loved her and to get some rest. I promised her we'd be back to see her tomorrow. I made her promise me to get some rest. She squeezed my hand and mustered up a "Okay" and "I love you".
As I'm sitting there holding my grandma's hand, I tell her that I know she hates hospitals, doctors, nurses, medicine, and all that jazz, but she has to understand that these are the things that are making her better and will eventually lead to her coming home. I asked her to squeeze my hand if she understood.....she did. When she "talked" it was really raspy, like having an extremely dry throat in the middle of a snowstorm with blustery winds. I do know she asked me for a Pepsi. I told her that was out of the question, to which she mustered up a "Why?". I told her she could have all the Pepsi she wanted when she got home.
Throughout my visit, she cried off and on, which of course made me cry. My family isn't one of those "I love you" familys. We don't hug, we don't say I love you, we just kind of get along. So, seeing my grandma cry and sitting there holding her hand was realllllllly tough.
I asked her if she missed her dog Max, she looked at me, squeezed my hand and said yes. I told her about our new puppy Barley and asked her if she wanted to see a picture. She said yes, so I showed her my cell phone. Her eyes got a little bigger, and I think she tried to smile. After I put my phone away, she said "Dog", so I asked her if she wanted to see him again, and she did, so I obliged. I told her about Kate. I told her that I wanted her to meet Kate. I told her that the hardest part of her being in the hospital was me being scared that she wasn't going to make it, and not be able to see me get married. She started crying again, and I followed suit.
After being there about 30 minutes, through all the crying, and the overall hardness of seeing her like that, I told her I needed to get going, but I promised to come back with Kate so she could finally meet her. Still holding my hand, she lifted it and put her lips on it to give me a kiss goodbye. I gave her a kiss on the hand and told her I loved her and to get some rest. I promised her we'd be back to see her tomorrow. I made her promise me to get some rest. She squeezed my hand and mustered up a "Okay" and "I love you".
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Hell On Wheels
I really need to get back on some sort of workout schedule. I have put back on all the weight I lost since last year.....plus a tiny bit more. Not to mention, I have this uncanny ability to put away TONS of food in one sitting. I really need to watch my portions, and not be the human garbage disposal. Just sucks when you realize you don't really need a belt anymore.
Grandma is doing better. That's all I know since I haven't been out to see her. I know, shame on me.
Bulletwolf has a ton of shows lined up for the beginning of the '09 year. That's exciting. Double Shots just got an awesome review from SOD Magazine, hopefully more are coming.
Kate surprised me with a St. Bernard puppy over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend. He's a fat boy named Barley. He's almost 3 months old and he's huge already. Pretty exciting. Bella, our chihuahua/rat terrier mix, doesn't exactly know what to think about him. She's holding her own though.
My back has been killing me since last Monday. We are on a position rotation at work, and right now I am the scanner. It's a lot of bending and tossing tickets, but it's in a small area, and since we've been working on new games, we've had TONS of invoices. I need a massage bad.
Party.
Grandma is doing better. That's all I know since I haven't been out to see her. I know, shame on me.
Bulletwolf has a ton of shows lined up for the beginning of the '09 year. That's exciting. Double Shots just got an awesome review from SOD Magazine, hopefully more are coming.
Kate surprised me with a St. Bernard puppy over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend. He's a fat boy named Barley. He's almost 3 months old and he's huge already. Pretty exciting. Bella, our chihuahua/rat terrier mix, doesn't exactly know what to think about him. She's holding her own though.
My back has been killing me since last Monday. We are on a position rotation at work, and right now I am the scanner. It's a lot of bending and tossing tickets, but it's in a small area, and since we've been working on new games, we've had TONS of invoices. I need a massage bad.
Party.
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