Hitting the gym.........again.

Joined another gym. Have got to make it stick this time. Coming up on 30 years old, and I don't want to be out of shape anymore. Getting winded sucks. Having scrawny arms sucks. My beer-belly (a.k.a.: inactivity belly) is a little rediculous. I need to get over my "Man I look dumb working out....I'm not even lifting that much weight" mentality. Not trying to be shredded, but it's frustrating to see people my age, height, and weight, who are in way better shape than me. I gotta start eating better, too. More veggies, more fish, LESS Taco Bell.

Not drinking lasted 25 days.....then right back to shitfaced in one night. Although that night has made self-control MUCH easier, I'm still not sure if I really want to go back to drinking. Not an alcoholic, by any means, I just don't like the belly.....as superficial as that sounds.

Ugh for work.
Ugh for this weather.
Ugh for my room being 10 degrees cooler than the rest of the house.
Ugh for not having a motorcycle........YET!

Awesome for everything else.

Observations I've made

I have a blog that I never use. Sometimes I can't really justify having one, and other times, I just need to be able to write/read what it is that is bothering me, or whatever, in hopes that that will make it make more sense.

~I drink entirely too much.....common folk call it binge drinking. I've noticed that the following day, regardless of how much I drink, I have chest pains, trouble breathing, sensitivity all over my body, aches and pains, and I bruise way easier......not to mention missing work because of being hungover. All of these things are amplified based on how much I drink......light drinking = light symptoms, heavy drinking = feeling like death worked me over for 2-3 days straight. I know now what I need to do, and that is quit. It's not that big of a deal, I did it before for a month, I just need to make it last now.

~Bulletwolf rules. Period.

~One coworker is making me want to smash his skull in. Consistent with his errors, and nobody in management will do anything about it. Instead, all of us have to deal with his idiocy, and hope that he doesn't drag us down with him. The days are going by so slow because of having to stop all the time to fix his fuckups. Been here 7 1/2 months, and has the security access codes to the warehouse.......over people like myself who've been here longer, and over some other coworkers who've been here 10+ years. Just goes to show: S'ing D's will get you far. Fuck that dude.

~I am finally caught up on my bills. Just sucks because I'm now broke. Vicious cycle.

~Fuck credit.

~I have got to get a motorcyle next spring. I think getting out on the road is something that will do me some good. Especially on those days when you feel like you are the statue and not the bird.

I'm sure there's more, and maybe I can be better about posting on this thing, in hopes of not stressing myself to the max and snapping.

Somehow......

It always seems like things hit a brick wall and turn to shit, inevitably right after things start looking up.....like, it's some sadistic way of keeping me in check or something. I get my debts paid off, and a week later my truck breaks down. Then my Uncle is in the hospital, nothing major, so far.....then my Aunt calls to inform me that my Grandpa is in the hospital because he tried to kill himself by overdosing on his morphine prescription.

1 word: Awesome.
1 word to describe the first word: Sarcasm.

I'm not even that sad, I'm more pissed off at him. Seeing as my grandparents raised me for most of my life, I was brought up to not take shit from anybody (which I'm getting better at) and to just be strong......and now this? I understand he is hurt from my Grandmother passing, but I don't think he understands the full effect it would have if he left before his time. Basically, my family loses the house because my Aunt who lives there is unemployed, and my Uncle (her brother) is on S.S., which won't cover shit. Not sure how much my Grandpa gets on his retirement from the Air Force and the U.S.P.S, but it can't be much.......unless they're terrible at budgeting.......................wait a minute, I was for a while there, maybe it's in the blood.

After losing the house, there is no telling where they would go. My mom had mentioned assisted living for my Uncle, who, aside from being overweight, isn't crippled. He will love that. My Aunt and cousin who live there? Who knows.

I feel like a ass for not talking to my family very often, but it's just so goddddddamn depressing. I'm busting my ass to make a better life for myself. I have to take myself out of situations that I myself deem detrimental to me doing better for myself, and if that means not hanging with my family, then so be it. I feel bad for my youngest cousin, only because she hasn't even hit high school yet and seems to be hopelessly lost on the whole "image" thing.

Ugh.

It's Official.........

After years of being in the red, I am now officially out of debt. I still have my 'regular' bills, but nothing that I am behind on, or in collections on. I had crap that dated back almost 8 years. Long time coming, and damn right, I'm giving myself a pat on the back.

The whole sober thing has reached 19 days. I feel better, I've saved a shit-ton of money, I feel accomplished. Now to get this belly gone by spring!!!!

Vacation schedule is going around at work, and for the first time in a couple of years, I don't have a vacation planned. Not neccesarily a bad thing, but somehow I tie that to my failure at relationships. No lady = no vacation to plan. Oh well. I need to focus on me for a while, and for the first time in a long while.

Watched a documentary called "It Might Get Loud" last night. Makes me really appreciate the guitar, and being a guitarist, and at the same time makes me want to totally change my approach to my playing and become more serious about it.

Bulletwolf is still writing. Taking a while, but the songs are awesome. Getting ready to move practice spaces. Maybe a new surrounding will help with the inspirado.

Party.

I wish I knew what my problem was.

"There's a war going on inside my head"--Embrace Today

For no reason at all, I am confused. Confused about what the next year is going to bring. Wondering how I messed up another relationship after just over a year......seems to be my M.O., which sucks. I don't take time to heal after shit ends, and just jump right in with someone else. I always tell myself I'll be okay, but it gets harder every time. I need to figure this out beforehand, instead of dragging people in, just to let them down.
--Shit's weak.

Working on a 'promotion' at work, but I think I'm being cock-blocked by a coworker. More on this as it develops.

Bulletwolf still rules.....and will forever rule. Best dudes, best jamz.

New Years resolutions for 2009/2010:
Quit drinking for at least 6 months.
Get my ass back to the gym and get FIT!!!
Debt is almost gone, so get rid of it.
Get my own place, for the first time in my 28, soon to be 29 years of existence.
Focus on improving my lead guitar (a.k.a.-shredability) skills.
Work on being more posi.
See friends more.

Time to go back to work.

2009, kiss my ass.
2010.....you better not suck.

It always rains on Tuesdays

My grandmother passed away today. Fucking lame.

I took off work on Friday to go visit her. I sat next to her for 45 minutes holding her hand and talking to her about her dog, our dogs, how I wanted her to meet Kate, and how we all couldn't wait for her to get better and get home. She kept asking me for a Pepsi, and it made me smile because I could just picture her rocking some Suicidal Tendencies. She cried a little bit, but she couldn't produce any tears, or any sound since her vocal chords were shot because of her respirator tube being in for so long. this made me cry. I don't remember the last time I cried in front of anybody in my family, let alone one of them crying in front of me (with the exception of the situation we've all been in for the past 6 weeks).

When I got up to leave, she pulled my hand to her mouth and gave it a kiss and told me she loved me. I kissed her hand, told her I loved her(which has never been done that I can ever remember), told her to get some rest, and promised to visit her the following day with Kate so they could meet.

Saturday rolled around and we went out and saw her. She was a bit restless, which was caused by the medicine she was on to fight an infection she had. I introduced her to Kate, they held hands for a bit. My grandma did her little "flirty arm thing" that she does whenever someone in the family talks about a boyfriend or girlfriend. I asked her if she was ready to see Max (her dog) and she got the biggest smile. I looked at Kate and she just smiled. I held her hand the and rubbed it the entire time I was there. After about 15 minutes, she was out cold. Her medicine had kicked in and now she was off to sleep.

Here it is Tuesday and I have had the worst day. Coming home and getting this news didn't exactly make it any better. I'm taking the rest of the week off from work. I'm going to be spending a lot of time at my grandparent's house this week.

I can't cry. I don't think it's quite settled in yet. I'm sure it'll hit me later like a ton of bricks.

Now it's off to watch Porky's.......it was one of her favorite movies.

My day off......

I decided to take the day off today to take the time to go visit my grandma. Since I last saw her, she was on a respirator, and the doctors and nurses had all said that there wasn't much they could do for her. Well, today, as I was sitting there, she was able to "talk" to me, and I say that because she hasn't talked in 6 weeks, and has had a breathing tube in her throat which has affected her vocal chords. Anyways.....I had just missed my grandpa by about 20 minutes, and according to the nurse on hand, she slept through his whole visit and had just woken up when I walked in. I pulled up a chair and she put her hand up. I held her hand, and she repositioned herself in her bed to be a bit closer to me. Bad thing is, her hands are in restraints to keep her from pulling her trach-tube, or anything else for that matter, out.

As I'm sitting there holding my grandma's hand, I tell her that I know she hates hospitals, doctors, nurses, medicine, and all that jazz, but she has to understand that these are the things that are making her better and will eventually lead to her coming home. I asked her to squeeze my hand if she understood.....she did. When she "talked" it was really raspy, like having an extremely dry throat in the middle of a snowstorm with blustery winds. I do know she asked me for a Pepsi. I told her that was out of the question, to which she mustered up a "Why?". I told her she could have all the Pepsi she wanted when she got home.

Throughout my visit, she cried off and on, which of course made me cry. My family isn't one of those "I love you" familys. We don't hug, we don't say I love you, we just kind of get along. So, seeing my grandma cry and sitting there holding her hand was realllllllly tough.

I asked her if she missed her dog Max, she looked at me, squeezed my hand and said yes. I told her about our new puppy Barley and asked her if she wanted to see a picture. She said yes, so I showed her my cell phone. Her eyes got a little bigger, and I think she tried to smile. After I put my phone away, she said "Dog", so I asked her if she wanted to see him again, and she did, so I obliged. I told her about Kate. I told her that I wanted her to meet Kate. I told her that the hardest part of her being in the hospital was me being scared that she wasn't going to make it, and not be able to see me get married. She started crying again, and I followed suit.

After being there about 30 minutes, through all the crying, and the overall hardness of seeing her like that, I told her I needed to get going, but I promised to come back with Kate so she could finally meet her. Still holding my hand, she lifted it and put her lips on it to give me a kiss goodbye. I gave her a kiss on the hand and told her I loved her and to get some rest. I promised her we'd be back to see her tomorrow. I made her promise me to get some rest. She squeezed my hand and mustered up a "Okay" and "I love you".